It was August of this year, and for about two weeks I’d experienced a strong urge to go to yoga at a studio I rarely attend. A studio I generally avoid because of insecurities, jealousy, and feelings of rejection I feel when I go there. Something about being there sets off my strong inner critic with howls of how I’m not good enough, everyone else is better, and I “should be doing this and I should be able to do that by now.”
Many of us are often unaware of the basic shame that exists within us, because it comes so easily to think critically of ourselves. That shame is personified by the inner critic that creeps up and influences our decision-making, our happiness, and our ability to love within. The inner critic drives us to compare, evaluate and judge ourselves (and often others) with unabashed harshness. This inner critic is what I was dealing with this past summer. Insecure thoughts were coming up to the surface here and there. For me they weren’t thoughts I actually had going on in my head…they were the feelings I before couldn’t put into words of not being good enough, not being smart enough, and not knowing enough – that I was trying to avoid!
But the truth is… that it is in the acknowledgement and feelings of the icky sticky stuff that we morph into the dragonfly to experience the transformation, and the ability to fly and transmute into a higher being. So there I was feeling the urge to go to this yoga studio that I would normally avoid. However, my Soul was calling me…that strong urge that I just needed to go….and so I went.
I would see the instructors at this yoga studio being adored and it hurt, and it brought up a lot of icky stuff that I felt ashamed of feeling. I’m a yoga instructor and have done a ton of spiritual work. I felt that I should be above all of that. But in reality, we’re never above anything, we’re human beings and there will always be something to either deny, not deal with, avoid, procrastinate over, or use an addiction of some degree to block out so we don’t feel the icky stuff….the shameful stuff.
However, with my meditations, my workouts, my energy work, my inner spiritual practice… this was coming up to the surface to be healed – but at the time I didn’t know that, and I told myself that I didn’t have time to “work on this.” Hahahahaha
I went to the class, and I’m there “in the moment” and it’s hot and I’m sweaty and I’m doing my thing and feeling all the insecurities. I am looking at all the people that are in this class on a weekday morning at 8:30 am, the class is literally fully packed. I see all of them there, and so many of them started with me and then left…I‘m feeling hurt, not good enough, disliked and rejected. As I’m going through the postures, I’m doing my inner child work and I’m letting go and acknowledging all the insecurities, acknowledging my jealousy and rejection, feeling through it. As I stand in Mountain pose, in total stillness, tears stream down my eyes as the message comes through loud and clear in a whisper…“It Wasn’t Your Mantle To Carry. “
A moment of elation of relief washes over me…IT WASN’T YOUR MANTLE TO CARRY…now I could let go and I JUST DID. I didn’t have to keep studying yoga to be just as good as these phenomenal yoga instructors with their beautiful hearts and beautiful kind spirits who have the ability and desire to build community and give back. I always felt like I couldn’t keep up, I couldn’t learn enough – I don’t have that big heart, I don’t have it within me to build such a community… but in that moment I let it all go.
That beautiful, gentle whisper…. It Wasn’t Your Mantle To Carry.
It was time for me to hear it and it came the only way that I could listen to it, and open myself up to truly hear it – to be present to the very place I felt the most insecure.
It was such a beautiful moment for me to hear that message from God, my guides, angels, who exactly I don’t know but definitely from my Higher Being, to know deep within that I had started something wonderful in the community, but it wasn’t for me to keep it up. It was for me to pass the torch and to allow it to grow, because it would never have grown to where it is today if it was left just to me. It would never have become the community it is now if it was left just to me. It would not have the heart-centered, divine, gentle, loving, compassionate, caring, depth that it has if it was solely up to me. I see all of that, and I love it – and I was able let go of it. Funny enough, the inner child, little Amy, was dancing up and down for joy. As I was going into downward dog she was crawling all over me in glee because… I could let go.
I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t go to yoga and get on the mat at the studio I avoid to heal the shameful and unworthy feelings. But I did, I listened and followed through.
I was able to experience no more jealousy, no more feeling inferior. No more need for recognition because I understood right in that moment with God on the mat saying, “You did it, and now it’s not your mantle carry and you don’t need to.” God has other bigger things for me to do, to explore. And whatever that path is, whatever I decide to focus on, I feel very guided and that he’ll be with me because dreams aren’t just planted by the ego. They’re planted in the heart by the soul. Whatever’s planted there I know God is there to help guide us, so long as we can keep focused and always know, always know, that we’re worthy.
I’m hoping my story may be helpful with your process, and perhaps inspire you to take a look within at what it is that you are wanting to let go of and release.
What is it that you’re holding on to that is not your mantle to carry anymore?
Bring some light into that – just ask yourself, what are the icky feelings that you just don’t want to acknowledge that maybe you can bring to light and perhaps liberate yourself from.
The poem below, I think illuminates how I felt in the moment on that yoga mat. The relief of letting go as the tears were rolling down my cheeks, and it was so hot and sweaty in that class that no one could tell I was crying. They probably just thought it was droplets of sweat – and I’m really grateful that on that day it was a hot yoga class!
Take care, beautiful souls. Make it your best day that you can, even in all the muckiness. Know that you are loved, you are cherished, you are unique, and you are a child of God that is worthy and deserving of all your heart’s desires. Namaste.
Poem:
She Let Go by Safire Rose
She let go.
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
P.P.S. Join my Facebook Community: If you’re ready to ditch burnout for good and finally live in alignment with your soul’s truth, please enjoy coming over to my Private Facebook group: Burnout To Breakthrough with Amy Lundberg, where I have created a place for you to explore, learn and share.
P.S. If your curiosity has been piqued, or you’re even just a little bit interested in exploring what kind of support would look like to help you, sign up for a complimentary no obligation strategy call with me. It would be my honor to help you see exactly where you may be blocked, and share how to immediately begin seeing and feeling results in your most challenging issue. Yep, no obligation. Click here to schedule your free strategy call now.
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